today was one of the worst day ever...my head was cramped from sitting all alone and with all the noises around and the fact that i'am being along all by myself sitting at the red chair waiting for my next class. its kind of "tutttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt", seriously I felt the tension of waiting about 1 n half hour alone. it seems like being alone and no one to talk to was like a ladder of reaching the most calm state of mind which called crazy or going nuts. surprisingly, when I was wondering alone observing those people who passed by, suddenly I'm thinking that what if I dance in the crowd which is hell crazy....of course people might assumed that I'm out of my mind. I read a novel but can't focus because of the surrounding that was too noisy and crowded. I was then tried to play a game on the cellphone but also not working bcoz I'm still can't get the boredom or the tense out of my head.
I came to fathom of if somehow in the future, I will go through my life with being alone and no companion at all. my life will be dull..of course it is, since I have decided to run away from any kind of relationship or involved with lots of people....In simple words I can say that I want to "totally seclude myself"...its my apt for my future.
I've lost all those roaring vigour in me long time ago that made me decided to be like that in the future. its because the more I associates with people the more problem will encountered my life and of course me ain't cause any chaos with anybody anymore. I juz want a simple and quiet life, no burden, nothing to be worry of, no commitment at all. yaa...thats it...I prefer that one even if I will be mentally tortured by loneliness..lone some...boredom...its okay since it is a safe play...even so..its juz some sort of future planning since I'am not a God...
ps: oh God guide me please...my heart turns out to be as hard as the stone....the scars from the past can't never be lured of...please open my heart to accept happiness again.
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