HI MY LOVELY BLOG..


LONG TIME NO SEE!

dah berhabuk bagai...when was it last time i post an entry? 2015? ey very long time huh..btw hello 2018...lagi beberapa bulan then I am officially 28y old.


why? i just don't feel like documenting my life story these few years, been having to much...i hold back most of the times, keeping things to myself.

Even now I am still in daze...the fact that I survived series of tragic melacholic events, still battling with it even now...sakit nya tuh tak terkata :(

kadang macam pelik, macam tak percaya...then i asked Allah how worst it can be? why me? those thing I saw in tv..novel..why it happened to me? why?

am I really that bad that I deserved that kind of punishment? but above all ad hikmah atas semua yang aku lalui.

i learned few things for the past years you know...and it is a good reminder for me:

1) friends --
- they come /they go
-very few are honest and stay true until the end
-most of them backstab you
-very few support you all the way
- very few stay with you in tough time

2)family
-There is among them that lead you to suicide/destruction
-not all the time they can accept you
-you are not important if you have nothing

3)Be kind and be honest/ stay true to yourself even if it hurt you along the way
-when I was a kid, many times people around said that I am faking my sicknes/ that I am lying when the fact that I am really having a hard times, so I promised that when I saw someone having a hard time/sick....even they are faking it, always attend to their need so you'll end up with no regrets.

4)There is no paradox between love and loneliness...both are the same
-so cheer up if you are single, it is even more lonely and complicated when you are in love.

5) career
-whether you got qualification or experience...none of them are important, everything comes to you by luck..believe me :( , ada rezeki..ada laa..tapi still kena usaha, mana ada yang datang bergolek!

6) Those who looks pure are most likely to be wicked evil than those who looks like a convict. tapi ada juga yang muka jahat mmg jahat...just don't jugde a book by its cover.

7)Delinquents are everywhere...very hard to find those with good hearts nowadays

8)Being insulted is not easy i swear...i cannot play it cool but trying hard to keep a poker face is the toughest one ever. orang sekeliling hina kau macam kau ni sampah..Allahu...dorang tak tahu apa yang kau lalui...senang je nak menilai kan. Anyway thank you for all the insults and being abusive.

9) Have u ever cried on the pavement...beside the road while walking..inside the lrt....huh I advise you not to do such thing, dah lalui...tgh kerja pun nangis? but kadang tak nak pun....sebak x tertahan...sbb apa? ko simpan sorang2..tak ad sape faham kau...tak ad sapa yang care enough to lend their shoulder or care to listen. anyways it is a life lesson. nothing to be ashamed of. biar lah org nak kata apa...kalau boleh jgn la weh...lulz

10)how I react to such situation or people you know...
-silent
-look them in the eyes
-swallow all those painful moment
-wish it was just a nightmares
-shut my mouth all the way until they stop
-just stand still
-if you cannot stand it...walk away
-no need for revenge ataupun nak berbalah bagai. keep it clean.

thats all for now...sakit kepala ak tak hilang lagi..never ending serabut! if someone reading this entry..can you do me a favour?

*please make a du'a for me :(

Fake

The fact that I always thought a guy with religious sense will be the one less likely to hurt me, but then I was treated like a shit. Sorry I meant no harm to those with pious looks or personality but please respect other human being. Being religious did not qualified you to judge nor downgraded someone else. Beside being a control freak and obsessive, well I can put up with that but having the feeling of being superior in patriarchal society, judging women, insulted me, always looked into my weaknesses to attack me..well that was so not Islamic. Well should I say, "Hypocrites" suits you better? If I was just a typical village girl with no education, perhaps I will just accepts such oppression. However, this is 20th century for god sake..I got education and career but you treat me like a stupid women? just who the hell are you feeling superior? damn your pious pretentious act as it won't buy me..nor fools me. I am not a feminist..but I do believe that we have our rights to get better treatment. I can't imagine living with you for the rest of my with such behaviours of yours that was so not noble at all.

Shallow Dreams

I swallowed my pride for not admitting what I felt inside.  I have my ego to protect, to not let myself embedded to the past..Truthfully, it is true I erased almost all of your existence. When you stating every bit of the memories, all our happy and sad moment..I felt like crying not because I miss those time..its because u remember everything. Well that's explain how precious I am to you.

Now That I think it over and over again..'I MISS U" , LOVE? Im not sure if that feeling still got its trace in my heart. It such a shame that you still keep every pieces of me in your heart and mind, while you are getting married, still you place me at the most special place in your heart. Why are you making me sad again aft all I've been through...??



Wewen.

The sixth Day of May, The 25th years on Earth

The Youngest of all

The day my father died, I was there very late, luckily they waited for me to at least see him for the last time, it was the saddest part of my life as if all my happiness was taken away unwillingly. above all, what really broke my heart apart from sending him off from this world is the youngest in the family, my lil brother. For us he was and still forever a baby, delicate and fragile..and the fact he had to witnessed that day really broke my heart.

I remembered seeing him standing still at the corner, mouth shut tightly, without shedding any tears..he was just too shocked, he got numb. His eyes fixed on my father's death body, he stood there for hours. Just when the body moved and raised by people to be taken out of the house, He start screaming hysterically shouting while begging them not to cover his face, "He is not death, He's still alive" he scream with all his heart. Even at the cemetery he begs, not to buried him. Even until today, reminiscent those days still bring tears to my eyes.

I remembered, few days after that I took him to town, we strolled around window shopping. throughout the time, he did not even said any words, just silently follow my lead. it was weird to see him shut his mouth tight without saying if he is hungry or even thirsty. So, I asked him if he wants to eat bread and drink soft drink, he said no. Despite of his refusal answer, I went on to the bread shop and take lots of bread, he seems worried by my action, but still keep quiet. later on he said:

" Ida, ambil roti yang paling murah sak la. satu pun sudah cukup"He said.
"Man nda pa bha, ambil sak mana kau mau" I insisted.

So he took two cheapest bread in the store, I added few more without looking at the price. He just stood still while checking at the price. Well, I figured out what worried him, its the price. Before this. when my father were still around, We never worried about this kind of thing. But Since he passed away, my lil bro don't even get food allowance to go to school and my mom just prepared him lunchbox.

After taking enough bread, I went on to the drink fridge to take soft drink. So I asked him what drink he wants:

"Man ambil la apa2 yang kau mo minum"I said.

He took one bottle of dutch lady milk with a smile. Then I asked him again;

"Itu sak? kalau mau..ambil la lagi" I said encourage him to add more drinks.
"Ida. ak ambil dua botol dutch lady lagi boleh ka? cukup ka duit mu untuk bayar?" He asked with hope.
"Ambil sak kalau mo dua" I assured him I can pay.

He grabbed another bottle of milk with delightful smile. That was the first time I saw him smile after My father passed away. I felt so sad and heartbroken looking at my youngest brother face, he was forced by nature to be matured at such a young age. When he ate all the bread happily, I felt that I must do my best and be the greatest sister that can bring smile to his face.

Now he is 18, so today I felt sad again as I heard my aunt spreading bad rumours about my lil bro. I know him well, He's not that bad, accusing him  for something that he didn't do really breaks my heart. Maybe he is a little naughty, but I trust him for he never lied to us. What ever wrong doing he did, he still tell us the truth. So, dear aunt, think again before badmouthing him. smeared his name won't earn you anything but a sin.

I have a dream..one day...

Once in a while, I do hope I can laugh sincerely from my heart, smile from a blissful feeling..enjoying a moment of my life, But I don't get to taste it yet..

That was a lot to ask, isn't it?

One fine day, I do hope I get to go around the world, travelling and sightseeing.

That was a lot to ask isn't it?

One day I do hope, I'll no longer walk this road alone, having a company, willing to share pain and happiness together.

That was too much to ask isn't it?

One fine day, I hope its not me who tried so hard to pleased other but in return someone who willing to sacrifice for me.

That was too much to ask for, isn't it?

Yeah I know..I knew it too well.
but then, there's no harm to dream..

wewen.

Evil Whisper

Its kinda sweaty and tiring

Bedridden for unknown source

there's the steamy atmosphere

arose from nowhere

Fog was all around

bare physical was all I saw

a skin to skin connection

strangely urge the comfy feels

Familiar face

peculiar feeling

strangely gay

tho eerie

well, babe

that was the strangest feeling

dream of alluring heart

intoxicating air of love

but..

do I know ya?

Do u know me well?

do you?

still your presence

linger..

both in mind and my soul

both in awake and unconscious

let say this is necromancy

the arts of lunatics

so it will least comfort

the confusion it infused.

wewen's voice

sreat gnippird...

"woes woes go away,

never come another day"

There are times I asked God...why?? why?? why??

even the strongest metal can break into pieces,

so do I.

thou hath turns me a phobic to almost everything,

please spare me...

will you?

wewen.