HI MY LOVELY BLOG..


LONG TIME NO SEE!

dah berhabuk bagai...when was it last time i post an entry? 2015? ey very long time huh..btw hello 2018...lagi beberapa bulan then I am officially 28y old.


why? i just don't feel like documenting my life story these few years, been having to much...i hold back most of the times, keeping things to myself.

Even now I am still in daze...the fact that I survived series of tragic melacholic events, still battling with it even now...sakit nya tuh tak terkata :(

kadang macam pelik, macam tak percaya...then i asked Allah how worst it can be? why me? those thing I saw in tv..novel..why it happened to me? why?

am I really that bad that I deserved that kind of punishment? but above all ad hikmah atas semua yang aku lalui.

i learned few things for the past years you know...and it is a good reminder for me:

1) friends --
- they come /they go
-very few are honest and stay true until the end
-most of them backstab you
-very few support you all the way
- very few stay with you in tough time

2)family
-There is among them that lead you to suicide/destruction
-not all the time they can accept you
-you are not important if you have nothing

3)Be kind and be honest/ stay true to yourself even if it hurt you along the way
-when I was a kid, many times people around said that I am faking my sicknes/ that I am lying when the fact that I am really having a hard times, so I promised that when I saw someone having a hard time/sick....even they are faking it, always attend to their need so you'll end up with no regrets.

4)There is no paradox between love and loneliness...both are the same
-so cheer up if you are single, it is even more lonely and complicated when you are in love.

5) career
-whether you got qualification or experience...none of them are important, everything comes to you by luck..believe me :( , ada rezeki..ada laa..tapi still kena usaha, mana ada yang datang bergolek!

6) Those who looks pure are most likely to be wicked evil than those who looks like a convict. tapi ada juga yang muka jahat mmg jahat...just don't jugde a book by its cover.

7)Delinquents are everywhere...very hard to find those with good hearts nowadays

8)Being insulted is not easy i swear...i cannot play it cool but trying hard to keep a poker face is the toughest one ever. orang sekeliling hina kau macam kau ni sampah..Allahu...dorang tak tahu apa yang kau lalui...senang je nak menilai kan. Anyway thank you for all the insults and being abusive.

9) Have u ever cried on the pavement...beside the road while walking..inside the lrt....huh I advise you not to do such thing, dah lalui...tgh kerja pun nangis? but kadang tak nak pun....sebak x tertahan...sbb apa? ko simpan sorang2..tak ad sape faham kau...tak ad sapa yang care enough to lend their shoulder or care to listen. anyways it is a life lesson. nothing to be ashamed of. biar lah org nak kata apa...kalau boleh jgn la weh...lulz

10)how I react to such situation or people you know...
-silent
-look them in the eyes
-swallow all those painful moment
-wish it was just a nightmares
-shut my mouth all the way until they stop
-just stand still
-if you cannot stand it...walk away
-no need for revenge ataupun nak berbalah bagai. keep it clean.

thats all for now...sakit kepala ak tak hilang lagi..never ending serabut! if someone reading this entry..can you do me a favour?

*please make a du'a for me :(

Fake

The fact that I always thought a guy with religious sense will be the one less likely to hurt me, but then I was treated like a shit. Sorry I meant no harm to those with pious looks or personality but please respect other human being. Being religious did not qualified you to judge nor downgraded someone else. Beside being a control freak and obsessive, well I can put up with that but having the feeling of being superior in patriarchal society, judging women, insulted me, always looked into my weaknesses to attack me..well that was so not Islamic. Well should I say, "Hypocrites" suits you better? If I was just a typical village girl with no education, perhaps I will just accepts such oppression. However, this is 20th century for god sake..I got education and career but you treat me like a stupid women? just who the hell are you feeling superior? damn your pious pretentious act as it won't buy me..nor fools me. I am not a feminist..but I do believe that we have our rights to get better treatment. I can't imagine living with you for the rest of my with such behaviours of yours that was so not noble at all.

Shallow Dreams

I swallowed my pride for not admitting what I felt inside.  I have my ego to protect, to not let myself embedded to the past..Truthfully, it is true I erased almost all of your existence. When you stating every bit of the memories, all our happy and sad moment..I felt like crying not because I miss those time..its because u remember everything. Well that's explain how precious I am to you.

Now That I think it over and over again..'I MISS U" , LOVE? Im not sure if that feeling still got its trace in my heart. It such a shame that you still keep every pieces of me in your heart and mind, while you are getting married, still you place me at the most special place in your heart. Why are you making me sad again aft all I've been through...??



Wewen.

The sixth Day of May, The 25th years on Earth

The Youngest of all

The day my father died, I was there very late, luckily they waited for me to at least see him for the last time, it was the saddest part of my life as if all my happiness was taken away unwillingly. above all, what really broke my heart apart from sending him off from this world is the youngest in the family, my lil brother. For us he was and still forever a baby, delicate and fragile..and the fact he had to witnessed that day really broke my heart.

I remembered seeing him standing still at the corner, mouth shut tightly, without shedding any tears..he was just too shocked, he got numb. His eyes fixed on my father's death body, he stood there for hours. Just when the body moved and raised by people to be taken out of the house, He start screaming hysterically shouting while begging them not to cover his face, "He is not death, He's still alive" he scream with all his heart. Even at the cemetery he begs, not to buried him. Even until today, reminiscent those days still bring tears to my eyes.

I remembered, few days after that I took him to town, we strolled around window shopping. throughout the time, he did not even said any words, just silently follow my lead. it was weird to see him shut his mouth tight without saying if he is hungry or even thirsty. So, I asked him if he wants to eat bread and drink soft drink, he said no. Despite of his refusal answer, I went on to the bread shop and take lots of bread, he seems worried by my action, but still keep quiet. later on he said:

" Ida, ambil roti yang paling murah sak la. satu pun sudah cukup"He said.
"Man nda pa bha, ambil sak mana kau mau" I insisted.

So he took two cheapest bread in the store, I added few more without looking at the price. He just stood still while checking at the price. Well, I figured out what worried him, its the price. Before this. when my father were still around, We never worried about this kind of thing. But Since he passed away, my lil bro don't even get food allowance to go to school and my mom just prepared him lunchbox.

After taking enough bread, I went on to the drink fridge to take soft drink. So I asked him what drink he wants:

"Man ambil la apa2 yang kau mo minum"I said.

He took one bottle of dutch lady milk with a smile. Then I asked him again;

"Itu sak? kalau mau..ambil la lagi" I said encourage him to add more drinks.
"Ida. ak ambil dua botol dutch lady lagi boleh ka? cukup ka duit mu untuk bayar?" He asked with hope.
"Ambil sak kalau mo dua" I assured him I can pay.

He grabbed another bottle of milk with delightful smile. That was the first time I saw him smile after My father passed away. I felt so sad and heartbroken looking at my youngest brother face, he was forced by nature to be matured at such a young age. When he ate all the bread happily, I felt that I must do my best and be the greatest sister that can bring smile to his face.

Now he is 18, so today I felt sad again as I heard my aunt spreading bad rumours about my lil bro. I know him well, He's not that bad, accusing him  for something that he didn't do really breaks my heart. Maybe he is a little naughty, but I trust him for he never lied to us. What ever wrong doing he did, he still tell us the truth. So, dear aunt, think again before badmouthing him. smeared his name won't earn you anything but a sin.

I have a dream..one day...

Once in a while, I do hope I can laugh sincerely from my heart, smile from a blissful feeling..enjoying a moment of my life, But I don't get to taste it yet..

That was a lot to ask, isn't it?

One fine day, I do hope I get to go around the world, travelling and sightseeing.

That was a lot to ask isn't it?

One day I do hope, I'll no longer walk this road alone, having a company, willing to share pain and happiness together.

That was too much to ask isn't it?

One fine day, I hope its not me who tried so hard to pleased other but in return someone who willing to sacrifice for me.

That was too much to ask for, isn't it?

Yeah I know..I knew it too well.
but then, there's no harm to dream..

wewen.

Evil Whisper

Its kinda sweaty and tiring

Bedridden for unknown source

there's the steamy atmosphere

arose from nowhere

Fog was all around

bare physical was all I saw

a skin to skin connection

strangely urge the comfy feels

Familiar face

peculiar feeling

strangely gay

tho eerie

well, babe

that was the strangest feeling

dream of alluring heart

intoxicating air of love

but..

do I know ya?

Do u know me well?

do you?

still your presence

linger..

both in mind and my soul

both in awake and unconscious

let say this is necromancy

the arts of lunatics

so it will least comfort

the confusion it infused.

wewen's voice

sreat gnippird...

"woes woes go away,

never come another day"

There are times I asked God...why?? why?? why??

even the strongest metal can break into pieces,

so do I.

thou hath turns me a phobic to almost everything,

please spare me...

will you?

wewen.

I hold my breath

tight as a ever

grasping oxygen

so close..thy heavy eyes

let thyself drunk

into intoxicated show

Drama...play..

whatever thy may called it

dripping rain from thy eye bank

bloody rage from thy rotten heart

witnessed by blind eyes

poor thee...spare thyself 

screaming so loud 

sobbing as delightful as laughing

heard by deaf ears

monotone..

poor thee..spare thyself

So I witnessed thy hypnotized skull

from afar thrilled by fear

could hardly show 

any trace of emotion...

so cold and cruel

she is not a lunatic

like what the people asserts

nevertheless...

I am a helpless witness

too afraid to move forward

to walk thy out from that speculation

Letting thyself disguise 

by fake persona

a fool that let thyself suicide 

those brave heart..

What are you now?

 a cowardice weeping

over and over again

trying to be someone else.

wewen's voice

Kinabalu's Heart

so high beneath the clouds

so cold the dancing breeze it mingle

so mighty from every distance

Kinabalu..Mount Kinabalu

Numb as it grow higher

- day by day

probably too much to hold inside

could only swallow those lava

bear the furious hotness of temper

unspeakable..untold..unseen

despite of its cruel nature

- plainly useless 

it spread warmness through the flowing Hot Spring

it throws mud volcano around to froze every veins

at the very end...eating all the leftover sickness

the very core of Kinabalu's heart

where all the spirits seek refuge

the pride of Sabahan

no one ever care

it cry for help

- H E L P

wewen's voice

vast heart ache

I want to pour everything into poetry

so deep, it hardly tell the right wording

heart ache never too simple nor complex

indescribable, the nature that bind it.

More workloads to be done. more good times I'am missing out. more feelings broke. I'm tired..exhausted like never before. self needs were abandoned. and where are you when I need you?? nowhere to be found. He..who spoke to me through my veins, angelic..whispers day by day just to make sure I'am living well and so I never forget I'am still standing on the earth.

I woke up and it takes time for me to digest..what am I doing just now? why did I lay down with my telekong..I saw Al-Quran right beside me. oh I thought I was dreaming. Nay..its not! I came back to reality where I forgot what did I do before I woke up with confusion. so I guess I must be praying before and maybe didn't realize I fell asleep. So the only way for me to comfort myself right now is by guessing the things that I forgot...

I pray I pray I pray that this is just temporary...I am too young and never get to enjoy my life yet. I am anti-social, confined in my room, rarely go out..yeah I never get to enjoy myself to the fullest so it is okay if I forgot all the bad things that caused pain in my chest but not the basic things that is crucial in my daily life.

 

Strangely Familiar

How strange..the thing that I'm afraid the most is happening. My memories was covered up by a veil, almost too thick that I hardly recall anything. I've seen some part but blurred. How? why? I can't figure out why it is happening. The memories from my childhood, teens life, gradually fading..even the recent years, I'm starting to forget one by one.

yesterday, I accidentally met a guy whom existence used to be meaningful to me. Just yesterday I realized, I kind of forgetting how he looks like. Even worst he is right in front of me and I wonder who is this guy? I think I saw him somewhere..but where? Did I know him? he seems familiar? he looked at me with a familiar stare..so I tried my best to recall as I just passed by his side naturally, not feeling anything..then aft a few minutes I remember;

"oh, isn't he my crush..oh correction was once my crush? " I'm asking myself.

however, I thought I'm not sure because I could not remember much about his features other than being short and small.. his face is slightly similar..maybe? I looked back unknowingly and he did too..surprisingly like a dejavu it struck me..yes it is him.

There's a melancholic air as soon as our eyes met, I looked at him emotionless, he looked at me with the same way he always did. I felt like something is missing..and then I realized something is wrong because no more excited pounding within me, no more blushing..just empty..very empty. much worst I forgot how I felt back then towards him. empty as I tried to recall..I couldn't reach the black box. feels so near to grab and open it..but empty, box that sealed my memories is empty.

Luckily I still remember my family and my close friends...yes for now. Somehow losing my memories is like deleting my past, I don't have to hang on to them forever. It cast away my sad & happy moment. No worries, I just have to create a new one and hopefully this weird occurrences is just temporary and has nothing to do with brain disease.

Allah, spare me!

Temporary files

I kind of forgot things easily, I realized it way back before. oh at first I thought it was just another product of ignorance because probably my brain keep on deleting some files because I don't think it is important enough. however, I think it's getting worst, I forgot my phone number (rare), I even forgot my timetable even though the class and venue never changed except it follows the same rotation every week.

what could be worse? I forgot name..oh yeah this is normal..the thing is I'm afraid that one day I'll lose all my memories, tracing them back would be another trouble, now I'm starting to forget faces too..recently, I felt that my mind is kind of empty..very unusual..I have to look at my notebook just to confirmed my daily routines..whenever something came across my mind or I felt like I've been through this before, it really feels like Dejavu.

I'm sad...a person without memories is like a blank paper. maybe there is a reason why this is happening to me..God knows why. He put me in this situation for some reason, hopefully I'll find out later..If one day I wake up and the world that I used to live in became a strange place for me, so there, the climax..

Beware bitchy!

Hey ho! look..I MUST put it here, sharing an awesome laughing stock. LOL this is too much, too funny and insane like seriously peeps. I grabbed it from Tumblr and yeah it made my day--- Cheer up for veges dino!!

xoxo,
Wewen

Incapable

verily, He said..

so those curses falls onto

Feel so right despite of bitterness

Again, guilty as I tried to denied His

whilst blessings pouring in ironic tones

Those melodious call whispered its charm

Now, doubt play its role like enchanting musics

press so hard into my living soul, suffocating belief

mourn dear, scream heartily like a roaring beast in silence.

silent? why voiceless..

probably too violence to be heard

or too sickened that thy limbs might broke

Again, guilty as I became stingy, kept it safe & sealed

isolated nature has become norm that ignorance offer peace

Now, being too alienated to thy own course invited emptiness

filling up every spaces, corner, that used to be rented and wasted

celebrate dear, scream heartily like a mad bride in silent sobbing.

Wewen's voice

..........

by ponderingcomplications

There’s a hole in my soul
that only loneliness fills.
A certain numbness 
creeps across my veins.

I slept easily
with sorrow as my bedmate.

And you crept in,
as silent as dawn
with all the brilliance
of a rising sun.

You lifted me 
from the graveyard
of my comfort,
burned away the Winter
that held my bones together.

There’s a hole in my chest
that aches in emptiness
each time you call my name. 
My nerves are a live wire
beneath the palm of your hand.

You’ve stripped me
of my tombstone,
left me open and bare
to the elements -

I want to tuck you into my arms
and keep you forever.

ps; I like how she manipulates words 

sweet-tooth

I get to kiss those sweetness

as it rolls in

I get to crush those roughness

as it struggle to escape

I get to touch those surface

as it break into pieces

I get to suck those perfection

as it molds into richness

Getting greedy every time

until begets the newly born

so soft but hard enough

to sting every senses

to cut off gayness

resistance doesn't work

vigorous grab it did

even dripping rain

could not soothe

wewen's voice

Amnesia

a play so hard to watch

to even recalled it..

so much effort to waste

time stops ticking

empty vision

alas!

a white curtain

so transparent but yet

enough to cover

so the vivid picturesque

lost its strength.

wewen's voice