..........................................

they said: time will heal

I said: supposedly 

they said: after some time you will forget

I said: why is it my heart still severe??

they said: loving someone makes you sees rainbow everywhere

I said: why is it only makes me sees black clouds?

they said: never expect someone to love you back

I said: I'am not...only hoping!

they said: when you love someone, let him go

I said: kill me..then I'll eventually let him  go forever.

unable..

woes greets me..
 unfolded

unable to resist

hope???

I lost it..

moments of awe..

well to start..its been so long since I wrote my last entry..apparently, my life kinda mess up..or turns out to be up-side down..sort of! recently, I was in a state of amusement or precisely, moments of awe..

well usually..people had this kind of feeling or expression towards other but me is different. its a moments of awe towards myself. I looked at myself as if I saw someone else had taking over my body and instructed every single movement. from another side as if I had been possessed.

anyway..that was just mere assumption..result of me pondering and reflecting of what happened to me now. I sense that me now no longer cik wewen who used to be anti-social, and stuck in my own wonderland which is imagination, hallucination and the dark room. I used to hates crowd and light and I still do but I do some effort to actually go out and see the world. getting to know more people and socialize.

what even more shocking, I joined a programme and yea..me have to deal with people to complete my task. I hate those thing the most. I'm not good in communication and obviously more and more people to meet.
the good side of it  is I'm taking a few steps further from my gloomy wonderland to the land of hope. May God bless the path that I chose. Amin. I hate changes but if it is for good, I will force myself to like it.

Hijrah..

suddenly out of nowhere me talking about Hijrah,,..hehe after such a long time didn't write anything in this blog..
actually during prophetic class today we learned about "HIJRAH" which means moving from one place to another place (literaly), or technically defined as changing from bad to good or separating oneself from nonsense. well, that's what I heard during our discussion in the class. but that's not the point.

yesterday I dreamt about something that opened my heart to truly accepted that I REALLY NEED TO CHANGE.

In my dream~~~~

I saw one guy reciting Al-Fatihah while he sat on a stone.later he approached and me told me...

Him: wear hijab and many good things will happen to you afterwards. Allah had given you many hidayah but you refused to accept it. you rather chose the wrong path. this time you must decide which path do you want to lead your life. the straight path or the other.

he then handed me Al-Qur'an with gold coloured cover. I saw myself crying non-stop..

Him: I know that you are a good girl. its just that you choose a wrong path in your life. follow the path that Allah had shown you. All your tears for all this time and before will be replace with happiness.

he smiled and walked away. then he stopped again at a distant and again reciting "bismillahirrahmanirrahim.....ihdinas siratal mustakim" one of the verses in surah Al-Fatihah.  and then raised his right hand and said "remember".

when I woke up..I grabbed the holy Qur'an and find the first surah..I then cried.

so, now I decided to fully covered my aurah. before I dream about this, actually I already have the idea to wear hijab in mind and has the intention to wear it....but I'm just wasn't sure if I'am ready or not because I afraid of doing things half-heartedly or not sincere enough. but now I'am 100% sure that my heart is sincere for the sake of Allah.

Alhamdulillah. May Allah Bless Me.

He Knows better...

''You might be married to the worst man ever, like Asyah was married to Pharaoh... but it didn’t change her and her loyalty and love to Allah.

You might be married to the best of men, like the Prophets of God, and still not enter Heaven... like the wife of Nabi Lut a.s.

You might not get married to any man, like Maryam (alaiha salam), and Allah can make your rank higher than any woman on Earth."

Strive in the way of Allah, don't worry about your marriage. That matter has already been decreed for you''

~ Sheikh Ahmad Dede Pattisahusiwa

ps: nie haqu cilok dr status kwn kat fb (meen)...

x semua yang kita nak kita dapat kan..semua org nakkan yang terbaik..tp x selalunya kita dpt yang terbaik...ape pon setiap yang telah d tentukan oleh Allah itu ade hikmah disebaliknya...sesungguhnya Allah maha mengetahui :)

2012 = 22

apekahhhh...malam td cite punya cite..tertibe kuar issue umo...
aq pon x pk sgt sal ape kan nak bising2 sal umo...
tertibe iqin say something that struck my heart...sentap mak gajah oiii...

Iqin: "wey da, sedar x...sekarang nie 2012...kite dah tua la..."
aq: "mende ko nie..tua2...aq muda lagi la...x faham ape ko nak sampaikan???"
Iqin: "wey..kite dah masok 22 la tahun nie..faham xxx????"
aq: "my God..shit x prasan..hukhukhuk...biar betik..aq dah tuaaaa laaaa...."

conclusion nyer..mase detik tahun baru seriously mmg x pk langsung sal umo meningkat...aq ingat aq selama-lamanya umo 15 tahun..kihkihkih...awet muda la katakan....bila Iqin point out sal mende tuh...mmg aq xle nak lupa la...sedeyhh weyyy...mmg la x official lagi sbb befday x sampai lagi but kalau ikut tahun dah masok la kiranya...

lagi 2 tahun grade dah...pastu masok alam pekerjaan..kalau ade rezki ade orang nak minang haqu...masok alam perkahwinan dah...urghhhhhh,,,,,pastu masok alam ibu bapa...uweekkkkk....x sanggup haqu memikirkan masa depan....nak balek la g tahun 2007..umo muda remaja jer time tue..oh seventeen....please come back to cik wewen....

Time goes by so quick without we ever realize it....

unconsciously reminiscent back the old days...

asking the brain to replay all the memories..

haih...

Sweet Dreams

"And remember in your dream Allah showed them to you as a few: if He had

shown them to you as many, you would surely have been discouraged,

and you will surely have disputed in (your) decision; but Allah saved

(you) for He knows well the (secrets) of (all) hearts.

[verse 8:43)

PS: Allah knows!

accidentally poetic...

surviving the terror

criticizing the mirror

harmonizing the error

let thy soul sparks

though ain't tough as the barks

say it breaks

say it cracks

dry....

wry....

cry....

please..

oh bliss..

untangle.

ps: I pray to thy Lord of all creatures...Allah the sustainer..

let not my heart shattered into a vast foul of woe.

sólo quiera decir lamentable

I ignored my fon for weeks..
I ignored e fact dat my topup has run out..
I don't know where I put my fon..
I didn't notice I silent ma fon..
then...."U have 10 miscall..n messages to look at"
shussss...ma mom might think I've been kidnapped...
some people might think I want to avoid them..
damn!!!!


my mom terasa hati
my mom merajuk...                                                               
gaaa....problem lagi...
but still she worried about me...
ape nak jadi la kat haqu nie..






dear myself,
u r not the only living things in this huge world..
please mind that there r other people out there
and they're fucking worried about u..
especially ur family...
just want to remind u to always check ur fon
and never forget to give them a call...
no matter how busy u r...

weyyyyy wake up la......
wake upppppp and look around!!!
why are you being so ignorant????


ni rasa marah kat diri sendiri.. :[
forgive me mom..I didn't meant to hurt or ignored you..
I knew you are just worried whether I still have money, whether 
I eat well. whether I sleep well..whether everything went smoothly
for me...I knew that...thnxxx anyway but please understand that for the past 2 weeks I didn't even have time for myself..so many things to do..
bunch of them n much worst redundant...so sorry..me don't want to be
anak derhaka...
mamá lamentable de todo.. Seré una muchacha buena

treasure hunt & baling selipar

alkisahhhhhnyerrrrr....today is a celebration of Benl family day..for those who don't know what is Benl stand for..its is actually stand for - bachelor of English language & literature- in short we are an english major...

so at first we were just registered for the treasure hunt game...since I thought its gonna be awesome...

yup its is overly awesome and tiring and guess what, they make us go around all buildings in Uia..so we've been running like crazy to all checkpoints that was located at all different buildings that resembles all courses..seriously..they should change the name of the game to explore race..that one suits the game better...we was the fastest to finish all task..except when we were stuck at the kaed checkpoint to solve Sudoku...hell yeah..it was so difficult..we couldn't finish it at the duration of 5 minutes..so we were given penalty to waits 10 minutes before we can continue running to the next checkpoint..everything runs smoothly without we realizing that the piece of puzzle was the clue to the final checkpoint..we were so stupid for thinking like ohh we just have to head back to where we start...the worst of all is when we finally realized that the last checkpoint was located at nusaibah's killing stairs...gosh..after running like crazy and then we have to climbs up the stairs...wooohhhhhhh...its was so so so hard..I'm suffering A LOT FOR IT...but get NOTHING in return..so we just got FOURTH PLACE PEEPS....I was so disappointed..so finish with treasure hunt story..

those pic above was after we finish the treasure hunt...we've got our faces turn red..so damn tiring...

we can't even smile ( I mean really smile to the fullest) due to being exhausted...

after that..believe it or not we then registered for baling selipar game..haha, x padan ngan penat..pinggang nak patah sume..we're just thinking that ala..we can do better this time...konon nak tebus balik kekalahan kat tresure hunt tuhh...so we play 3 game..one game 3 set..altogether we played 9 SET OKEYYHHH....aq mase first..sumpah blurred since it was my first time playing that game..even after all the instruction and rules briefing..I still can't get it..so the first game was my trial...we didn't do better...and I regret it..the second game was great...the third was quite okey la...but we couldn't make it to the final...so we LOSE AGAIN!!!

I can say that I was disappointed for the 2nd time...sobsobsobsob...again ,we only gain the tiredness and exhaustedness...wooooooo..we are so loser today...

overall..alaaaaaaa...even though we din't win anything...well its not easy to gather with friends..so this is the moment that I will remember having fun with friends and to get close with some of friends that before this I never greet or talk to...okey la kan...duit terbang byk la jugak, still I'm so HAPPY..( broken inside a lil bit)..

p/s:next time..I mean next Benl family day we MUST WIN..hahhaahahaha..ada unsur2 ketidakpuashatian sdikit....

.......the end.....

Gue punya Anak..

alkisah..(miss this word la..lame x guna) nak berceritera kisah anak-anak gue...oppsiiieee..in specific anak sedare la...bukan anak kandung...yelah haqu nie muda lagi..br 15 tahun [umo dlm IC 21] la katakan..gile pew ade anak..hahahaha..too young bak kata omputih..hahhh..mase cuti ari tue mmg haqu byk abeskan masa ngan anak sedare gue yang kturunan cina tuhh...


anak sedare gue ad 2 orang..rasenyer haqu pernah mentioned and ade 1 entry khas sal drg b4 nie..sorang dak wani...sorang ag cheng2...sorang melayu..sorang cina..huhu..variety  gitu...1 malaysia lah katakan (uwwekkkkkk nak muntah sebut mende nih ) bebudak 2 org nie dah besar dah..umo dah setahun lebih..dah boleh dah jalan. berlari..cakap pon bole but still x cakap lurus sgt..juz few words jer drg boleh pronounced ngan betul... jom tgk gambar2 bajet artis my niece..kalah auntie die yang cun melecun nih..hahahaahaha..seolah2 ade unsur2 perasan ya d situ...seems like it is..well!!!!

nilahh cheng2..or name penuh die...Mariena chong Mei ling binti mohd yusuf chong alias chong hien vun..

fuhhhh name panjang sungguh...dak nie sengal sgt but cepat pick up..terlalu aktif n habit yang paling teruk mulut asyik nak mengunyah jer..time tido br stop...dahlah suke menyiksa or mencabar kesabaran auntie2 dia yang sgt lah baik nie...anyway..x kesah lah..yang penting dah besar nanti die kne hormat ktorg..kalau besar krg buat perangai mmg haqu bagi   

pukulan maut lah jawabnya..eh eh eh..tak2...silap..errrrrr...bg pengajaran!!!

juz kidding laaaa....

yang nie lak dak wanie or name penuh die nur hazwani binti emran....see yang nie name simple jer...name islamik la jugak....die pon perangai gak..terlalu aktif and kuat merajuk..cepat sgt terasa..org ckp kasar skit jer pon mulut dah muncung nak nangis...

k ar...cukup2 la tuh..ngantok dah haqu...mentang2 sok klas awal pagi cancel...nak sleep dah nie...nanti if haqu ade anak sendiri, haqu buat entry khas gak letak title"gue punya anak in bracket (kandung)..hahahahaha...but haqu kne make sure carik suami hensem supaya anak2 haqu menjadi menawan standing ngan gue punya anak2 sedare nie..hehe errrr  radar dah dapat mengesan symptom2 awaklkemerengan dah nie...stop la..overload!!!!!!

called it wondering!!!

today was one of the worst day ever...my head was cramped from sitting all alone and with all the noises around and the fact that i'am being along all by myself sitting at the red chair waiting for my next class. its kind of "tutttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt", seriously I felt the tension of waiting about 1 n half hour alone. it seems like being alone and no one to talk to was like a ladder of reaching the most calm state of mind which called crazy or going nuts. surprisingly, when I was wondering alone observing those people who passed by, suddenly I'm thinking that what if I dance in the crowd which is hell crazy....of course people might assumed that I'm out of my mind. I read a novel but can't focus because of the surrounding that was too noisy and crowded. I was then tried to play a game on the cellphone but also not working  bcoz I'm still can't get the boredom or the tense out of my head. 


I came to fathom of if somehow in the future, I will go through my life with being alone and no companion at all. my life will be dull..of course it is, since I have decided to run away from any kind of relationship or involved with lots of people....In simple words I can say that I want to "totally seclude myself"...its my apt for my future.
I've lost all those roaring vigour in me long time ago that made me decided to be like that in the future. its because the more I associates with people the more problem will encountered my life and of course me ain't cause any chaos with anybody anymore. I juz want a simple and quiet life, no burden, nothing to be worry of, no commitment at all. yaa...thats it...I prefer that one even if I will be mentally tortured by loneliness..lone some...boredom...its okay since it is a safe play...even so..its juz some sort of future planning since I'am not a God...



ps: oh God guide me please...my heart turns out to be as hard as the stone....the scars from the past can't never be lured of...please open my heart to accept happiness again.

bad luck..

many things happened but not yet discovered
the good things behind the bad one...
haiya manyak susah la..bertimpa2 lak tue..
1.phone jatuh kat jamban..
hikmah nyerr: membazir duit nak bli baru
2.buku drama rm200
hikmahnyer:membazir jer..pakai skali jer..
pastu bukan guna pon..
kalau boleh makan xpa gak
at least perut kenyang..
3.and dot dot dot......
pining gue....